a little nonsense

Today seems to have been a monumental day for me. Despite the many hurdles and annoyances that weaseled themselves into my day, I managed to arrive at the temple only slightly flustered. Being flustered, I questioned whether or not my decision to go to the temple on such a chaotic day was a wise choice. But as of late, my temple attendance is what it is because I know of no other remedy for the confusion storming inside of me. In truth, I don't think there is any immediate remedy to at least the pain. My natural impatient self yearns deeply and incessantly to breathe without the heavy burden pressing down upon me most minutes of my day. Longing for some moment when my heart is healed. Longing for some moment when it forgets the love that it was once able to beget. What I have been seeking is peace. Like the citizens of this nation when they pray for peace they are praying that the wars, the battles, and the strife in the world will cease. I too was seeking for this sort of peace.

Looking back, from tonight to this morning, I can now see that seeking for the world's peace was in fact one of the destructive seeds that added to my unrest and internal turmoil.

The peace offered by the Lord is not to dissolve the strife and war, but it is to give reassurance that we are supported by the enabling power of Christ and His love in the midst of these battles.

Today for one small moment inside the temple, I felt the elusive calmness that I have been seeking. I have felt it many times during the last months, however, only for small fleeting moments and then it inevitably disappears and my turmoil and the darkness return. Sitting among a crowd of people, I further withdrew my mind from what was in front of me. I was determined to rid my mind of the deceptions that prevented me from seeing clearly. I bulldozed through the delusions, denial, transference, projection, and rationalization and retraced the tangents of my thoughts so that I could pinpoint which thoughts were present when I felt the unexpected calm.

When I laid hold upon those thoughts again, the Lord blessed me to know that that was His answer.

Thinking back, remembering what my desires of the Lord were in that moment right before He granted to me what I had been seeking for months, I realize I must have been demonstrating faith in the Lord.

Repeat: I MUST HAVE BEEN DEMONSTRATING FAITH IN HIM!!

Realizing this it makes me want to sing! to jump! to exclaim! to start laughing from my belly the way I do when I am extremely content!

Today was definitely monumental! At least two tender mercies that I was given today. HUGE ONES!!! Of course I experience tender mercies every day from the Lord, great ones! But somehow these deserve to be different and I feel like celebrating and commemorating them!

Tender Mercies March 31st, 2010

1. An answer from the Lord

2. To know that my faith was rewarded with a gift (the answer) from the Lord.

I do not doubt the Lord's capability. What I do doubt, or am unsure of sometimes, is the amount of my faith, or if my faith is sufficient. I know I have faith. I have to -based on how I live -I know this. But I do not know how to measure my faith. Although I know faith even the size of a mustard seed can do powerful things, I do not know how much faith compared to the size of a mustard seed I have. Its a dilemma that continues to bewilder me.

So this tender mercy #2 is really quite a big deal to me and a great comfort to my heart. I think the Lord has been extra merciful with me today. He is good that way.

In regards to tender mercy #1, I learned the Lord's will for me today. He did not grant me freedom from my struggles, not at all. I still mourn the loss of someone that is very special to me. However, He granted me a greater and new perspective that allows me to tap into the enabling power of His Atonement.

Double Check for good decision to go to the temple today.