a little nonsense

One fundamental way that Mark and I are different is our perception of, spiritually speaking, what "working towards perfection" means. I tend to be a bit more laid back. Mark is quite a bit harder on himself and is frequently and excessively down trodden when he has disappointed expectations. But you know? I used to be like him.

Most people are not aware, really, only my most intimate friends and family know that post mission I... finding the words is hard... was willingly disobedient and disregarded the gospel and my testimony of it. I was angry. I was stupid and I was prideful. I hope I never have another regret that is larger than the regret I have for that time period.

One of the many contributing factors in the beginning that led to my descent was disappointment in myself. I was disappointed with how often I needed the Atonement to pull me from the grasps of sin. I was disappointed at how often I fell and scraped my knees - on the ground, on all fours, dirty, scraped and bloodied, tears running down my face, no progress at all, falling on the ground knees. Sins and weakness which I thought a returned missionary should easily be able to avoid and have conquered. Finding that I still struggled with the same things from years before, I was not just disappointed in myself but I was determined that I was not going to fall and scrape my knees anymore. Not one more single time. I was not going to ask for the Lord's forgiveness unless it could be the last time and I could be perfect in keeping all the commandments.

I don't need to tell you that was a stupid and prideful thought.

Without repentance, I continually fell further.

By holding on to the Savior's hand, the climb out of the hole I had dug turned into a sacred experience. One that I do not speak much of. When I do, it is only with my Father in Heaven in prayer and those who were alongside me who witnessed the humbled creature that I became. I wish I could say that I am still that same meek creature, but sadly, I am not. Time has elapsed. Pride has re-established itself again leading to more sins. Surely, I am not as white now as I was made then when and after I so desperately needed His blood to take away my crimson sins.

My attitude about perfection has changed. I do not demand it from myself but I continue to seek it. Every day I fall short of my desires. Some days so much so that tears run down my face with the realization thereof. I've learned to forgive myself. In those moments of disappointment I have a silent sometimes not-so-silent conversation with myself reporting on my successes and failures for the day, the week, month, or year. I am thankful for Thomas S. Monson and his wisdom to quote Winston Churchill's words when he said, "Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says, "I'll try again tomorrow."

I want to be alive in Christ. I want to enjoy the blessings of the Gospel of Jesus Christ to the fullest. I want and I will. And if its not tomorrow, then at tomorrow night's end I will repeat the painful yet encouraging words, "I'll try again."

I know that I am too easy on myself sometimes. I know that there are dangers that come along with that just as there are dangers that come along with being too hard on oneself. I am learning to find the balance. I permit myself the opportunity to learn by trial and error.

Even in my understanding of trying to find what that balance should be, it's okay that I'm just not there yet.

Not enjoyment, and not sorrow,

Is our destined end or way;

But to act, that each tomorrow

Find us farther than today.

from Henry Wadsworth Longfellow's, "A Psalm of Life"